how to reject my obsessive ex-husband chapter 31

2025-04-03

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Rejecting an Obsessive Ex

He’s back. Again. The familiar knot of dread tightens in your stomach as you see his name flash across your phone, a cascade of past anxieties threatening to overwhelm you. You thought you’d finally established boundaries, clearly communicated your desire for distance. Yet, here he is, relentlessly chipping away at the fragile wall you’ve painstakingly constructed around your newfound peace. This isn’t merely persistence; it’s an obsession, a disturbing echo of a relationship you desperately want to leave behind. Navigating this treacherous terrain requires more than simple rejection; it demands a strategic and unwavering approach. This chapter explores the crucial steps needed to firmly and finally disentangle yourself from the clutches of an obsessive ex-husband, ensuring your emotional and physical safety while reclaiming your autonomy. Prepare to equip yourself with the tools and insights necessary to navigate this challenging situation and confidently step into a future free from unwanted pursuit.

Firstly, understand that consistency is your most potent weapon. Just as intermittent reinforcement strengthens undesirable behavior, so too does inconsistent rejection fuel an obsessive ex’s relentless pursuit. Therefore, every interaction, no matter how seemingly insignificant, must reinforce your unwavering stance. Avoid engaging in casual conversations, offering explanations, or expressing empathy. While these actions may seem harmless, they provide a glimmer of hope, a foothold for him to cling to. Instead, maintain a firm and resolute demeanor, communicating your disinterest clearly and concisely. Furthermore, limit communication channels. Block his number, filter his emails, and unfollow him on social media. This digital detox is essential for creating the space you need to heal and move forward. Moreover, document every interaction. This record serves as a crucial piece of evidence should you need to escalate the situation to legal authorities. Remember, protecting yourself is paramount, and documentation provides a tangible record of his persistent behavior.

Secondly, building a support system is crucial in navigating this difficult process. Confide in trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Sharing your experience not only provides emotional relief but also creates a network of individuals who can offer practical support and guidance. They can act as a sounding board, offer objective perspectives, and even intervene if necessary. Additionally, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can equip you with coping mechanisms for dealing with the emotional toll of this situation and help you develop strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Furthermore, don’t underestimate the power of self-care. Prioritize activities that nourish your well-being, whether it’s exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, or pursuing a hobby. These practices are not indulgences; they are essential for rebuilding your strength and resilience. Finally, remember that healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and celebrate every small victory along the way. Your journey towards freedom from this obsessive dynamic is a testament to your strength and resilience, and with the right strategies and support, you can reclaim your life and build a brighter future.

Maintaining Firm Boundaries: Reinforcing Your “No”

Reinforcing your “no” with an obsessive ex-husband requires consistent and unwavering firmness. It’s not about being unkind, but about prioritizing your emotional and physical well-being. Think of it like building a solid fence – each “no” is a brick, strengthening your boundary and protecting your space. It’s understandable to feel guilty or pressured, especially if your ex-husband was previously a significant part of your life. However, remember that setting boundaries is a healthy act of self-preservation.

Clarity is key. Avoid ambiguous language that can be misconstrued or manipulated. Instead of saying “maybe later,” or “I’ll see,” use direct and concise statements like, “No, I won’t be able to do that,” or “No, I’m not comfortable with that.” This leaves no room for misinterpretation and reinforces your refusal. Documenting every interaction, including date, time, and the nature of the communication, can be invaluable. This log provides concrete evidence if you need to seek legal advice or demonstrate a pattern of obsessive behavior.

Prepare yourself for pushback. An obsessive ex-husband might try to guilt-trip, manipulate, or bargain to get their way. They might question your motives, try to make you feel responsible for their emotional state, or even resort to threats. Having pre-planned responses can help you stay grounded and avoid getting drawn into unproductive arguments. For example, if he says, “You’re being heartless,” you could respond with, “I understand you feel that way, but my decision stands.” Remember, you don’t owe him an explanation or justification for your boundaries. Repeating your “no” calmly and firmly, like a broken record, can be effective in shutting down manipulative tactics.

Building a support network is crucial during this process. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about what you’re going through. They can provide emotional support, offer objective perspectives, and help you stay strong in your resolve. Sharing your experiences can alleviate feelings of isolation and empower you to maintain your boundaries. If your ex-husband’s behavior escalates or becomes threatening, don’t hesitate to involve law enforcement or seek a restraining order. Your safety is paramount, and there are resources available to protect yourself.

Scenario	Unhelpful Response	Helpful Response
Ex-husband asks to borrow your car.	“I don’t know, maybe.”	“No, I’m not comfortable lending you my car.”
Ex-husband shows up unannounced at your home.	Engage in a long conversation at the door.	“I’m not available to talk right now. Please leave.”
Ex-husband calls repeatedly after you’ve asked him to stop.	Answer the calls and argue.	Block his number and document the calls.

Limited Contact: Practical Strategies

Limiting contact is a practical way to enforce boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. It means reducing interactions with your ex-husband to only what is absolutely necessary, such as matters concerning children or legal issues. This doesn’t mean you’re being cold or vindictive; it’s a strategic move to reclaim your personal space and detach from his obsessive behaviors.

Emotional Detachment: Letting Go of the Past

Emotional detachment is the process of separating yourself emotionally from your ex-husband. This involves letting go of past hurts, resentments, and any lingering hopes for reconciliation. It’s about recognizing that you are no longer bound to him and that your emotional well-being is independent of his actions or feelings.

Recognizing and Responding to Manipulation Tactics

Moving on from a relationship, especially with someone who exhibits obsessive tendencies, requires a clear understanding of manipulation tactics. These tactics can be subtle and insidious, designed to pull you back into the dynamic you’ve worked hard to escape. Recognizing these tactics is the first step in effectively countering them and maintaining your boundaries.

Common Manipulation Tactics

Manipulative tactics often play on your emotions. Your ex-husband might try to guilt you, play the victim, or even feign helplessness to elicit your sympathy and support. He may use your shared history, children, or mutual friends as leverage. Other common tactics include love bombing (overwhelming you with affection), intermittent reinforcement (mixing kindness with cruelty), and gaslighting (making you doubt your own perceptions and sanity).

Examples of Manipulation in Action

Let’s delve deeper into specific examples to illustrate how these tactics might manifest in real-life situations. Understanding the nuances of these tactics can empower you to identify them more readily.

Guilt Trips: He might say things like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or “You’re abandoning me just like my mother did.” These statements aim to evoke guilt and make you feel responsible for his well-being, even at the expense of your own.

Playing the Victim: This might involve exaggerating illnesses or misfortunes, painting himself as constantly wronged or misunderstood. He might say, “Nobody understands me like you do,” or “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” This tactic seeks to position him as needing your care and reinforces the idea that you are uniquely equipped to provide it.

Love Bombing: After a period of distance or conflict, he might suddenly shower you with affection, gifts, and promises of change. This can be especially confusing and tempting, making you question whether you made a mistake in leaving. However, this often proves to be a short-lived tactic designed to lure you back in.

Intermittent Reinforcement: This involves alternating between periods of kindness and cruelty. One day he’s charming and apologetic, the next he’s cold and distant. This unpredictable behavior creates a cycle of hope and despair, making it difficult to break free from the relationship.

Gaslighting: He might deny events that you know happened, twist your words, or try to convince you that you’re overreacting or imagining things. For instance, if you confront him about a hurtful comment, he might respond with, “You’re too sensitive. I never said that,” or “You’re twisting my words. You always do this.” This tactic aims to erode your confidence in your own memory and judgment.

Tactic	Example
Guilt Trip	“I’m so lonely without you. You’re the only one who cares.”
Playing the Victim	“Everything goes wrong for me. I’m such a failure.”
Love Bombing	Sending unexpected flowers and gifts, coupled with profuse apologies.
Intermittent Reinforcement	Ignoring your calls for days, then sending a heartfelt text message.
Gaslighting	“You’re imagining things. That conversation never happened.”

Responding to Manipulation

Once you recognize these tactics, you can start to implement strategies to counteract them. Setting firm boundaries, maintaining consistent communication (or limited communication if necessary), and seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist are crucial steps in protecting yourself from further manipulation.

Leveraging Support Systems: Family, Friends, and Therapy

Family

Family can be an invaluable source of strength during challenging times, especially when dealing with an obsessive ex-husband. They often understand the history and dynamics of your relationship, offering unique insights and perspectives. Leaning on your family can provide emotional comfort, practical help, and a sense of security. Talking to family members about your experiences can help validate your feelings and reinforce that you’re not alone. They can also provide practical support like childcare, helping with errands, or simply being a listening ear. Remember to clearly communicate your needs and boundaries to your family. Explain how they can best support you and what kind of involvement you are comfortable with.

Friends

Friends offer a different kind of support, often complementing what you receive from family. They provide a sense of normalcy and can help distract you from the stress of dealing with an obsessive ex. Friends can be great listeners, offer unbiased advice, and encourage you to engage in activities that bring you joy and help you regain a sense of self. They can remind you of your strengths and help you focus on moving forward. Sharing your experiences with trusted friends creates a sense of community and reduces feelings of isolation. Just as with family, it’s important to be open about your needs and boundaries with your friends. Let them know what you’re comfortable sharing and how they can best support you.

Therapy

Therapy is a powerful tool for navigating the complexities of dealing with an obsessive ex-husband. A therapist can provide a safe and confidential space to explore your feelings, develop coping mechanisms, and establish healthy boundaries. Unlike family and friends who may be emotionally invested in the situation, a therapist offers an objective perspective, guiding you towards effective strategies for managing your ex’s behavior. Therapy can help you identify patterns in your own behavior and understand how you might be inadvertently reinforcing your ex’s obsession. It also provides tools and techniques for managing stress, anxiety, and fear, which are common experiences when dealing with an obsessive individual.

Therapists can also help you develop a safety plan if your ex’s behavior escalates and poses a threat to your well-being. This might include strategies for communication, creating physical distance, and involving law enforcement if necessary. Choosing the right therapist is a personal process. Finding someone you feel comfortable with and who understands the specific challenges you’re facing is crucial. Don’t hesitate to try different therapists until you find the right fit. Therapy is an investment in your mental and emotional well-being, empowering you to regain control of your life and move forward with confidence.

Support System	Benefits	Considerations
Family	Emotional comfort, practical help, shared history	Potential for biased advice, family dynamics can complicate things
Friends	Sense of normalcy, unbiased perspective, social support	Varying levels of understanding, potential for gossip
Therapy	Objective guidance, coping mechanisms, safety planning	Finding the right therapist, financial commitment

Documenting Everything: Creating a Paper Trail

Dealing with an obsessive ex-husband can be a draining and, at times, frightening experience. One crucial step in protecting yourself and establishing boundaries is creating a detailed record of every interaction. This “paper trail” can be invaluable in demonstrating a pattern of behavior to legal authorities, therapists, or even just supportive friends and family. It provides concrete evidence that goes beyond your recollection and can be incredibly powerful in validating your concerns.

Why is Documentation So Important?

Memory can be unreliable, especially during stressful times. Having a written record ensures you have accurate details of events, dates, times, and the specific content of interactions. This can be crucial if you need to involve law enforcement or pursue legal action like a restraining order. It can also help you identify escalating patterns of behavior that you might not have noticed otherwise. Finally, a clear record helps you stay grounded in reality, combating any attempts by your ex-husband to gaslight you or distort past events.

What Should You Document?

Essentially, anything and everything related to his obsessive behavior. This includes:

Type of Interaction	Details to Record
Phone Calls	Date, time, duration of the call, summary of the conversation, and if there were any threats or harassing remarks.
Text Messages	Save screenshots of the entire conversation thread. Do not delete messages, even if they are upsetting.
Emails	Print or save copies of all emails, including the headers which contain valuable information like the sender’s IP address and the time sent.
Social Media Interactions	Take screenshots of any posts, comments, or messages. If you’re being harassed online, consider blocking him on all platforms and reporting the behavior to the platform administrators.
In-Person Encounters	Note the date, time, location, and any witnesses present. Describe the interaction in detail, including his words, tone of voice, and body language. If there was any physical contact, no matter how seemingly minor, document it meticulously.
Gifts or Unwanted Deliveries	Keep any unwanted gifts or deliveries. Photograph them before opening (if you choose to open them). Note the date and time they were received.

How to Document Effectively

Creating a Comprehensive Record

Keeping a consistent and organized record is crucial. A simple notebook can work, but a digital log offers several advantages. You can create a dedicated folder on your computer or use a secure cloud-based storage service to ensure your records are backed up and accessible from anywhere. Consider using a spreadsheet to organize information chronologically. This allows for easy sorting and searching. If you prefer pen and paper, dedicate a specific notebook solely for this purpose. Use a consistent date and time format for every entry. Be as factual and objective as possible when describing interactions, avoid emotional language, and stick to the facts: what was said, what was done, when, and where. Avoid interpreting his intentions or motivations; simply record what you observed. If you have voicemails or recordings of interactions, save these files securely and make notes about their content and when they were recorded. If you feel safe doing so, install a security camera outside your home to document any attempts he makes to approach your property. Check your local laws regarding recording conversations and video surveillance.

Keeping all of this information in one place allows you to see patterns and escalations in his behavior more clearly. For example, does he tend to contact you more frequently after you’ve gone out with friends? Does his communication become more aggressive after you’ve set a boundary? Recognizing these patterns can help you anticipate potential problems and take steps to protect yourself.

Importantly, make sure your documentation is stored securely and privately. If you’re using a digital format, use strong passwords and consider encrypting your files. If you’re using a physical notebook, keep it in a safe place where he won’t be able to access it. This information is for your protection and can be a crucial tool in ensuring your safety and well-being.

Considering Legal Options: Restraining Orders and Legal Counsel

Restraining Orders (Protection Orders)

If your ex-husband’s obsessive behavior is causing you fear for your safety or well-being, or if he’s harassing you, a restraining order (sometimes called a protection order) can offer legal protection. A restraining order is a court order that prohibits your ex-husband from contacting you, coming near you, or even mentioning you on social media. The specifics vary by jurisdiction, but they generally provide a legal barrier and consequences if he violates the order. Keep in mind that restraining orders aren’t a magic bullet; they are pieces of paper, and some individuals might disregard them. However, having a restraining order in place provides legal recourse and a paper trail for law enforcement to act upon if he violates it.

Types of Restraining Orders

Different types of restraining orders exist, including emergency temporary orders, which can be granted quickly in situations of immediate danger, and longer-term orders which require a court hearing. The specifics depend on your local laws and the nature of your ex-husband’s behavior. Some orders might include provisions for child custody and visitation, addressing safety concerns in those areas.

Evidence to Support Your Case

To obtain a restraining order, you’ll need to present evidence of your ex-husband’s obsessive behavior and the reasons you fear for your safety. This evidence can include: text messages, emails, voicemails, social media posts, photos, videos, witness testimonies (from friends, family, or neighbors who have witnessed his behavior), and any police reports you’ve filed related to his actions. Organize your evidence and keep it in a safe place.

Legal Counsel: Why It’s Essential

Navigating the legal system can be complex and overwhelming, particularly during emotionally charged situations like dealing with an obsessive ex-husband. An experienced attorney can guide you through the process of obtaining a restraining order, ensuring you understand your rights and obligations, and representing your best interests in court. They can also advise you on other legal matters, such as divorce proceedings, child custody arrangements, and property division. A lawyer can provide objective advice, handle communication with your ex-husband or his legal representatives, and help you develop a safety plan.

Finding and Working with a Lawyer

Finding the right lawyer is crucial. Look for attorneys specializing in family law and domestic violence cases. Many bar associations offer referral services. When interviewing potential lawyers, be sure to ask about their experience with similar cases, their fees, and their communication style. It’s important you feel comfortable and confident with the lawyer you choose, as you’ll be sharing sensitive information and relying on their expertise during a difficult time. Building a good working relationship with your attorney through clear communication and honest disclosure will empower them to represent you effectively. Here is a table with some questions you may consider asking during your consultations.

Questions for Potential Lawyers
Do you specialize in family law and restraining orders?
What is your experience with cases similar to mine?
Can you explain the process of obtaining a restraining order in my jurisdiction?
What are your fees and how do you bill?
How will you communicate with me throughout the process?

Prioritizing Your Safety: Developing a Safety Plan

Safety is paramount when dealing with an obsessive ex-husband. His persistent unwanted contact can escalate, making a safety plan crucial. This plan should outline steps to protect yourself physically and emotionally. Remember, your well-being is the priority.

Identifying Potential Risks

Start by honestly assessing the risks. Consider past behaviors: Has he ever threatened you? Has he shown up uninvited? Has he stalked you online? Document these incidents. Also, think about potential future risks. Could his obsession escalate to violence? Understanding the specific dangers you face allows you to tailor your safety plan accordingly.

Building a Support Network

You don’t have to face this alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Let them know about the situation and what kind of support you need. This network can offer emotional support, practical help, and even act as witnesses if necessary. Knowing you have people to turn to can significantly increase your sense of security.

Securing Your Home

Take steps to enhance your home’s security. Change your locks, install security cameras, or consider a home security system. Reinforce doors and windows. Ensure your home is well-lit at night. These measures can deter unwanted visits and provide a sense of safety within your own space. If possible, consider sharing your location with trusted contacts through a phone app so they can check on you.

Creating a Communication Strategy

Decide how you will communicate, if at all, with your ex-husband. If communication is absolutely necessary (regarding children, for example), keep it brief, factual, and documented. Consider using a co-parenting app or email for a record of all interactions. Avoid engaging in emotional discussions or arguments. If possible, have a trusted friend or family member present during any necessary face-to-face interactions.

Developing an Escape Plan

Prepare for situations where you might need to leave quickly. Have a bag packed with essentials like medications, important documents, money, and a change of clothes. Identify safe places you can go, such as a friend’s house or a shelter. Practice your escape route and ensure everyone in your household knows the plan. Knowing you can quickly escape a dangerous situation can significantly reduce anxiety and empower you.

Utilizing Available Resources

Numerous resources are available to support you. Domestic violence hotlines can offer advice, guidance, and referrals to local services. Therapists specializing in trauma and abuse can help you process your experience and develop coping mechanisms. Legal aid organizations can provide assistance with restraining orders or other legal matters. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help; these resources are there to support you through this challenging time.

Resource Type	Example	Contact Information
Domestic Violence Hotline	The National Domestic Violence Hotline	1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Legal Aid	The Legal Aid Society (example, varies by location)	Check your local listings
Therapy	Psychology Today’s Therapist Finder	psychologytoday.com

Healing from the Obsession: Focusing on Self-Care and Recovery

Prioritizing Your Well-being

Recovering from an obsessive ex-husband’s actions requires prioritizing your well-being. This means consciously shifting your focus from their behavior to your own healing and growth. Recognize that your recovery is your primary responsibility, and it’s okay to put your needs first. This might feel selfish initially, especially if you’re accustomed to prioritizing others, but it’s essential for regaining your strength and sense of self.

Rediscovering Your Identity

Obsessive relationships can erode your sense of self. Start rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship. Explore your interests, passions, and values. What activities bring you joy? What did you enjoy before the relationship that you might want to revisit? Reconnecting with your individual identity is crucial for building confidence and moving forward.

Building a Support System

Leaning on a supportive network is crucial during this time. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Sharing your experiences can help you process the emotional turmoil and gain valuable perspectives. A support system provides validation, encouragement, and a safe space to express your feelings without judgment.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Setting clear and firm boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional and mental health. This might involve limiting contact with your ex-husband, blocking him on social media, or communicating your expectations clearly and assertively. Maintaining healthy boundaries helps create a safe space for you to heal and prevents further manipulation or control.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Healing takes time, and there will be ups and downs. Acknowledge your emotions without judgment and practice self-compassion. Recognize that you’re doing the best you can in a challenging situation. Forgive yourself for any past choices and focus on building a brighter future.

Embracing Self-Care Rituals

Incorporate self-care rituals into your daily routine to nurture your well-being. This could include activities like meditation, yoga, spending time in nature, reading, listening to music, or pursuing hobbies. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary component of healing and rebuilding your strength. Choose activities that bring you peace, joy, and relaxation. Experiment with different self-care practices to find what resonates with you.

Seeking Professional Guidance (Therapy)

Consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist or counselor specializing in trauma or relationship issues. A therapist can provide personalized support, help you process your experiences, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Therapy offers a safe and confidential space to explore your emotions, understand the dynamics of the obsessive relationship, and develop strategies for moving forward. A therapist can also help you establish and maintain healthy boundaries and build a stronger sense of self.

Self-Care Activity	Benefits
Journaling	Processing emotions, gaining clarity
Exercise	Releasing endorphins, boosting mood
Mindfulness Meditation	Reducing stress, increasing self-awareness

Protecting Your Children (If Applicable): Shielding Them from Obsessive Behavior

When children are involved, navigating a relationship with an obsessive ex becomes infinitely more complex. Their well-being must be your top priority. Shielding them from the fallout of your ex’s obsessive behavior requires careful planning and consistent action. Remember, your children are likely struggling with their own feelings about the separation and may not have the emotional maturity to understand the complexities of obsessive behavior.

Open Communication is Key

Talking to your children in an age-appropriate way is vital. Don’t demonize your ex, but be honest about their behavior’s impact. Explain that sometimes people struggle with managing their feelings and actions, and that it’s not their fault. Encourage them to share their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment. Let them know that you’re there for them and that their safety and well-being are paramount. Create a safe space where they can express themselves freely.

Setting Boundaries with Your Ex - and Enforcing Them

Establish clear boundaries with your ex regarding communication and interactions with the children. This might include specified times for phone calls, pre-arranged drop-off and pick-up locations, and limitations on unscheduled visits. Document everything. Keep records of phone calls, texts, emails, and any instances where your ex oversteps boundaries. This documentation can be crucial if you need to seek legal intervention.

Limiting Exposure

If your ex’s obsessive behavior is particularly intrusive or threatening, consider limiting their exposure to the children. This could involve supervised visits or communication only through a third party. This can be a difficult decision, but sometimes it’s necessary to protect your children’s emotional well-being. Remember, you are their advocate and protector.

Consistency is Crucial

Maintain consistent enforcement of the boundaries you set. Inconsistent responses can confuse children and embolden obsessive behavior. This includes consistent responses from both parents, if possible. If you are co-parenting, try to be on the same page regarding boundaries and communication strategies, even though it might be challenging.

Monitoring Online Interactions (If Applicable)

In today’s digital age, obsessive behavior can extend online. If your ex is using social media or other online platforms to monitor you or your children, take steps to protect their privacy. Adjust privacy settings, limit online sharing of personal information, and consider blocking your ex. If necessary, involve law enforcement if online harassment or cyberstalking occurs.

Seeking Professional Help

Consider involving a therapist or counselor specializing in children and families dealing with divorce and obsessive behaviors. They can provide support and guidance for you and your children as you navigate this challenging situation. A therapist can help your children develop coping mechanisms and process their emotions healthily.

Teaching Children Self-Protection Strategies

Teach your children age-appropriate strategies for protecting themselves. This could include telling a trusted adult if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe, not responding to harassing messages, and understanding that they don’t have to engage with their father if his behavior is upsetting.

Documentation is Essential

Keep meticulous records of your ex’s behavior, including dates, times, specific actions, and the impact on your children. This documentation can be invaluable if you need to seek legal protection or modify custody arrangements.

Scenario	Action
Unscheduled visit	Do not engage. Document the incident.
Harassing phone calls	Do not answer. Block the number if necessary. Document the call.
Child reports discomfort	Listen to the child. Reassure them. Document their concerns.

Rejecting an Obsessive Ex-Husband: Chapter 31

Maintaining firm boundaries is paramount when dealing with an obsessive ex-husband. This chapter focuses on reinforcing those boundaries and prioritizing your safety and well-being. Consistent and clear communication is key. Avoid any ambiguity that could be misconstrued as an opening for renewed contact or reconciliation. Document all interactions, especially those that feel intrusive or threatening. This documentation can be invaluable should you need to involve legal counsel or law enforcement. Remember, protecting yourself is not selfish; it’s essential. Prioritize your mental and emotional health by seeking support from therapists, support groups, or trusted friends and family. Healing from this type of relationship takes time and dedicated effort.